Ampleforth St Martin's

21 March 2010

'Building Confident Parents who can help children become themselves.'

28 January 2010


The Friends of St. Martin's Ampleforth held the second in their series of 'Little Chats' yesterday, which was well attended.

This weeks' Little Chat  was led by Mrs Caroline Dollard.  Caroline has worked in the field of Adult Christian Formation for over 21 years. She has an MA in Theology (liturgy) from Lampeter. She is a member of the RCIA National Executive, and works with Fr Michael Keogh supporting RCIA in Middlesbrough Diocese. She also serves on the Bishop’s Councils for Liturgy and Evangelisation and Adult Formation.  Most importantly, Caroline is mother to four children, now grown-up.

Caroline began her talk by pointing out that the word 'parent' comes from the word 'Parere', meaning source  or origin from which others are derived and 'ent' which means 'forming'.  In other words, a parent is the source of formation of a child.

She went on to tell us that there are many different styles of parenting and you have to do do what works for you.  Discouragement and guilt are two great enemies of parents and it is easy to blame ourselves and think that we are totally responsible for our children's behaviour.  However, our goal is not to have perfect children, but to build better, more respectful relationships with them, and to support them as they grow in responsibility.

We have to live in the context of the culture that surrounds us. This is no longer 'child-rearing' as it was for our parents and grandparents, but 'parenting'.  We have to know everything about health and safety, diet, pollution, carbon footprint, not to mention homework, in order to be a 'good' parent.

The influences on our children mean that we have to sift out what is 'good' and 'wholesome', even educational, and plan for, or negotiate, limited access to what we don't like, encouraging interests or anything that builds healthy friendships around these activities.  Popular culture tells us that violence, shouting to get your own way, acting on your feelings, instant satisfaction and the 'tyranny of cool' are all OK.  Children have never been more 'connected' to other children than they are today - and less connected to adults.  Instead of gradually discovering their unique identity they are getting their self-esteem from trying to fit in with friends - vying with one another for position. This all affects our task as parents to nurture the child's core identity and self-esteem.

We now know a huge amount about child development and it is important to access that information.  What can we do to help our children to be more mature, repsonsible and to have mutual respect?  How can we enjoy them more?

First of all, begin with yourself.  Children suffer when you neglect your own needs and become an exhausted doormat or screaming harridan. When you are relaxed you can love more naturally. This may include lowering your too high parenting standards and standards in the home so that you can put your own needs on the agenda.

We can become locked into a pattern of behaviour but parenting is not a case of one size fits all.    We need to learn flexibiltiy in our parenting skills and allow common sense to come into play using different skills for different children.

The second piece of advice is that they are far more likely to become responsible if they are given responsibility.  Building a bond is much more important than how well they perform the task.  

What underlies being a responsible parent?  It is the need to see all members of the family as equal. Parents have a special responsibility and a special leadership role, but each one in the family needs to be treated with respect as a person of equal dignity. In the past, there was not enough respect – children were seen and not heard. Today it often seems that we have gone to the opposite extreme – children rule the parents and instead of receiving the consistently firm love that they need, discipline only seems to happen when they demand attention with a crisis and instead of gentle love we give them too much in material terms, and also expect too little of them, shielding them from responsibility. So we aim to be responsible parents rather than kind and good, and this means two things:

FIRM LOVE - firmly and consistently giving them choices and applying the consequences.  Also giving them 'I' messages such as, 'When you leave the door open it creates a draught and I feel cold’ to ‘I feel really worried when you don’t get home when you say you will…’  The 'I' message says truthfully but not agressively how we feel about the result of the child’s behaviour.

GENTLE LOVE - listening, encouraging, daily doses of affection which don't include false praise but show you are interested. Don't criticise but look out for co-operation, effort, improvement and draw attention to these.  Be available for problems or strong feelings and make time for regular chats about life.

It is a balance between letting go and continuing to be involved and understanding what the child is seeking through behaving in a particular way.  Gentle love is time consuming but children need to know they are special to you and that you will always love them even when they misbehave.

If you make too many decisions for your child it will discourage them.  Always correct the deed and not the doer.  We discourage if our standards are too high and, especially, when we compare one child to another.  Misbehaviour gets worse when we notice and draw attention to it, but good behaviour also increases when we draw attention to it.  Learning that they are lovable and good gives them great security for life.

It is frightening for a child to be exposed to strong adult feelings, so pull back when there is a conflict and take time to calm down.  They don't always need us to tell them what to do but just to listen.  It is important to give them a chance to express their feelings and feel understood.

Lastly, it is important not to be afraid to challenge their behaviour.  How is their behaviour affecting the home or family? Again, use 'I' messages -  ‘Ive spent a long time cleaning up the kitchen, and when you leave it like this I feel really angry and discouraged’,  or if it's the child's problem, 'I’d like to help…come and talk with me when you know what you want.'

Children need clear boundaries and to understand that there are consequences to their actions, eg. 'if you hit Sarah again, you will have to tidy all her toys.'  Four steps are to:

  1. Help them feel understood by listening, and to understand the situation more clearly yourself.
  2. Begin to think up possible solutions together ie. 'What would you like to do about this?'
  3. Help the child choose one idea and to see the snags and advantges of their suggestions.
  4. Fix a time to review and see  how you got on.

You can say ‘no’ and set clear limits whilst remaining loving, not shouting or getting angry.  This will help children become self-disciplined by giving them a limited choice and letting them live with the consequences.  Obviously there are times when you can't let them choose but, when you say no, it is important to give a reason. Also when you give a limited choice it is important not to be half-hearted or apologetic about it, and, above all, it is essential to follow through.  If you weaken and give in, the child will still be miserable and the misbehaviour will get worse.  Children need limits and feel happier and more secure when you are firm and not just making idle threats.

If the family talks things through together the children will feel involved in decision making and feel respected and this will, hopefully, lead to a fair, more peaceful, and happier family life but remember that change only comes gradually - and it will only start with us as parents. 


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